


Letters From Home

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-07-31 21:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20121643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: Rejection hurts.  A look at how Sam -- and Al -- cope.





	Letters From Home

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 1994

_Dear Al,_

_Well, this isn't the way either of us expected things to work out, is it? I'll keep our fragile illusions and not bring up that incident, we both know what this letter is about. I'd like to say I'm sorry, you expect it from me...but somehow I can't bring myself to be sorry about any of it. We've always agreed on one thing: trying and failing is better than never knowing for sure. Now I know for sure._

_Try to see it from my point of view. When you looked at me with those eyes, I was sure you felt the same way I did. I've never been surer of anything in my life. Knowing that I could be so wrong about something like that, makes me wonder about a lot of things...about my other dream, too. I need time to think, to heal. I can't be near you and not..._

_By now you've realized that I'm gone, vanished without a trace. Don't try to find me, it wouldn't do either of us any good right now. Maybe, someday, enough time will have gone by where we can both forget. I'll pray for that day._

_I lied when I said I wouldn't mention certain things...I love you. I always have and always will. No promises, no guarantees, except for that one. Take care of yourself, Al._

_Yours,_

_Sam_

XXX

Dear Sam,

I don't know why I'm writing this letter, I don't even know if you'll get it. But I'm sending it to your family, and I know you well enough...on some things, at least. They know where you are, that you're okay...even if they insist to me that they don't.

Or maybe I don't know you like I thought I did. Maybe they don't hear from you. I'm not sure of anything right now. That's a big concession in itself, isn't it? You've scrambled everything up inside of me.

Where the hell are you?!

Okay...I promised myself I wouldn't demand you come back, that I'd understand why you had to go. Well, I don't understand it, but I wanted to respect it. I can't talk about...what you want me to talk about yet. So what is there for me to say? Nothing.

I don't even know why I'm writing this letter.

I hope you can understand what I'm not saying. I don't hate you or anything, I never could.

Listen, take care of yourself, kid. And if you ever get into any messes...I'm here. That's the only guarantee I can give.

Sorry this letter translates harder than hieroglyphics, but you've always been good at unraveling things. Especially me.

Your friend,

Al

XXX

Dear Sam,

Where the hell are you?!

Okay, I admit it, I didn't think you'd take it this far, that you'd stay away this long. I called your bluff...only you weren't bluffing. Did you prove what you wanted to prove? I'm wondering exactly what that is, by the way. If it was that you don't need me, I got the message loud and clear. Ah hell, maybe that's a good thing...under the circumstances.

So now that it's settled, come home, where you belong. Running out on me, on our friendship, is one thing--don't run out on your life. Not on account of me. I should have been the one to leave, not you. So that's my proposition--I mean suggestion--anytime you want to come back, you can. I won't be here.

I hope you're taking care of yourself, maybe talking to someone about your problems...your pain.

I gotta go now. I wish you all the best. I believe in you...I always have.

Al

XXX

Dear Sam,

You always were a stubborn son of a bitch, with the patience of a saint. You must have been, to put up with me all those years. Your silence speaks volumes, buddy. I hear you a lot these days; I still can't shut you up, even though you're not around. When everything is quiet and I'm trying to read; in bed at night. Like you're still a part of me, even though you're not here.

Remember when you used to joke that you were my conscience?

We used to joke a lot, you and I. Had some great times together. We had something special, didn't we Sam? I never realized how much until I lost it. I miss it. I miss you.

I sense your disapproval, I feel like I'm being punished. I know you don't intend it that way, but that's the way I feel. I just...

I want you back.

Remember what I said about you proving you didn't need me? Well you proved something else, too. It's me who needs _you_. You're the only one who ever stuck around, you know? You seemed to see something in me that no one else ever did.

I let you down, didn't I Sam? I see that now. And it's too late to say I'm sorry. I should have talked to you. There's so much I should have talked to you about. It's hard, for many reasons. I'm not good at discussing my feelings like you are. I'm too afraid of pity. And it's not easy to lay your heart on the line when it's been broken so many times.

All my life, I never really felt loved. On those rare occasions when someone made me think I was, it didn't last long. How many times can I hear 'I love you' and believe it, when every time, that person changes their mind?

But you were different. I believed you, and I still do. I've done some hard thinking, Sam. The truth is, no one has ever loved me this much--and here I am throwing it away. I'm a fool who didn't know how lucky he was. You were without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me.

Bottom line--I want you to come home. I'm ready to talk...I'm ready for a lot of things I wasn't before. I believe in you. I need you. I love you...I want you. I don't know how to make it any plainer.

I know you're probably suspicious. I don't blame you, I know the feeling. But I promise I won't hurt you. If you come back, you won't be sorry. I'll prove everything I've said to you. So take a chance. Come home.

Take a chance on us.

I love you,

Al

XXX

_Dear Al,_

_Ditto._

_Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. And we've always had an overabundance of that. You were wrong about some things, Al...I do need you, and I'm looking forward to showing you just how much. We have a lot to talk about first, though._

_By the way..._

_I'm out on the balcony, will you bring me a light beer?_

_Forever,_

_Sam_

**the end**

1/9/94


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